Whose wine is it, anyway?

D ear Agony robot  I am the parent of a 28 year old girl who has chosen to stay on Earth. She is highly qualified, intellectually sound and unnecessarily witty. She is beautiful too. Well not as beautiful as her mother but that really isn’t her fault. I ruined her appearance with my contribution of facial features. My daughter is a working woman. She is doing well for herself but my only grouse is that she refuses to leave Earth. Every time I bring up the topic, she quotes Tolkien and says “As long as there’s some good on Earth, it is worth fighting for.” I am aware that it’s a modified version of the original quote. I am also aware of the perilous consequences of letting little girls read books. Her head is filled with dangerous ideas like saving Earth and fighting for justice. She is young. She still believes that good prevails over evil. Maybe I shouldn’t have encouraged her to read Harry Potter and maybe I should have hooked her on to George R. R. Martin instead. My bad. My ...

“There are plenty of fish in the sea” said God rather vaguely as we sat on the upper deck of a medium sized fishing boat. I scanned the horizon. It was nearly half past five. The sun had turned golden yellow with a dash of red.  “He is easily embarrassed” said God pointing at the sun.  Hearing his name called out, the Sun quickly hid behind a cloud. “He is rather sensitive and doesn’t like being talked about” said I.  We watched the Sun take a dive into the sea, clearly self conscious that he was the subject of conversation. The orange hues of his evening robe continued to flap over the horizon. Soon even the last bit of orange garment was out of sight. The sky turned dull grey and eventually faded into jet black.  “We were talking about fish” said I hoping to steer the topic into seas I was interested in. God, readily played into my hands. “Oh yes, plenty! I wouldn’t be worried if I were you”.  “It’s a myth” I said slowly,  “What is?” “This plenty of fi...

I have come down with a case of lice. They are all over my head. Unfortunately they aren’t gnawing at my scalp like they usually do, they are inside my head this time, nibbling on my brain. They are everywhere especially around the amygdala.  I’ve tried all methods to get rid of them. Apparently you can’t drink Mediker. Also that doubled toothed/edged lice combat sphere of some sort can’t comb cerebral creases. That’s only for the hair. Ugh  I’ve tried banging my head against the wall but that just slows them down a bit. It doesn’t exterminate them.  I’ve tried drowning my thoughts in intoxicating substances. They pass out briefly! That gives me temporary relief. But once the lice are up and about, they attack me with renewed vigour. Some lice don’t even get drunk. They just get buzzed and then they become honest. That makes things worst. Clearly, alcohol is not a solution here.  I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t sit still for five minutes. They are taking digs at ...

It’s dark in here. The walls are damp and there’s a strange smell that emanates from everywhere. It makes me nauseous. On moonlit nights, sliver streams break through the darkness. When this happens, I look around my dungeon and see a half eaten plate of food in a corner and tiny tumbler that’s almost always empty. There should be water in there. But there isn’t. My mouth is dry and my insides squirm. I am tired, thirsty, exhausted and defeated.  I throw open the windows to let in some fresh air. The air that comes in just stagnates somehow. When I look out of the window, I see life outside. I crave it so desperately. I don’t like being locked in here. I don’t like the loneliness. I don’t like the neglect.  The place where I am holed up is not a great height from the ground. I can jump out and free myself from here but I’m so accustomed to the darkness. Too much light frightens me. I have grown comfortable eating the crumbs you throw at me. I savour them.  You pass by eve...